Reminiscing ...

I guess I don't write much on these posts since I don't have too much good news on the home front. I don't want to always seem like a downer with my negative posts, but it is good to get things out sometimes. We're coming up on 9 months in a few days...my son would be a happy little 9 month old in a few days. It doesn't get much easier as each month passes. I'm hoping that once I hit the dreaded 1 year mark it will get easier and I won't be counting month to month anymore. As crazy and selfish as it sounds, I try to forget that the 2nd of the month comes up but I always end up remembering a few days before. Right now I would be posting pictures of my 9 month old, doing crazy things with our little furbabies and daddy. But instead, I'm going to post some old pictures...I guess I'm in a reminiscing mood today. I guess I miss having him with me all the time. Even when you're alone, you're not really alone :) I love that feeling...

25-28 Weeks



37+ Weeks - and what was my last week with our baby

We are still trying to conceive...going on our 9th cycle in 2 weeks or so. I had a Sonohysterogram this cycle and all was well, clear tubes and good uterus she said. Hoping that it might have flushed some things out, doctor said a lot of ladies are very fertile after this but I don't have high hopes for pregnancy. The hope IS there, don't get me wrong, but you sort of mask it because you don't want to get too down. I was so optimistic when we first started this journey, now I am neutral on the outside, but deep down it hurts like crazy to have failed month after month. I guess all I can do is keep my head above water and don't give up hope just yet. Looking at these pictures, yes it gets me reminiscing and a bit sad, but at the same time gives me hope..if i was able to carry full term once, I surely can do it again one day.

Who Are Your Real Friends?

That's a tough question. Through this whole ordeal I've realized that strangers that I've never met, from internet forums have been there for me more than any of my what I thought "friends" from real life have been. In the last 8 months I haven't had anyone email or call to say "hey how are you guys holding up"..."hey have you gotten the results of the autopsy yet"..If I had a friend whose perfectly healthy baby died (even before I knew what it felt like), I would be on the phone every few weeks checking in at least, to see if they found out what's happened or to see how they are coping...at least!

It's a hard decision, but I've finally decided to cut one of my so called friends loose. One I have known for 18 years. It's not something I decided over night, it's been a 2 year long decision. But her lack of interest in what she called her "nephew" while I was pregnant, is just the last straw for me in this battle to get her to see her insensitivity. She never has asked once in the last 8 months how we are coping, never offered to be there for me, never asked if there were any new developments.

I called her today to let her know everything that's been happening...her response "oh shitty buzz man".. -- shitty buzz??? I tell you my son died at the hands of a doctor and all you have to say is "shitty buzz man???". I almost threw up. Maybe I'm overly sensitive...I didn't let on that it hurt me. Not that she'd see it even if I held up a huge billboard sign in front of her face. But I bet you if she lost her child then the whole world would have to stop turning until it was resolved. She would be on the phone with me every day seeking advice, looking for comfort, and I would provide it.

In regards to the recent fertility issues I've been having. Her response -- "well I wouldn't worry about it, you can always adopt". Well that was it for me. How can you say that to someone who's just lost a child so recently and now is having trouble getting pregnant? What goes, or rather doesn't go through her head?

She's always been insensitive to others and she's always been so important and nobody else's issues matter. She was distant on the phone because she wanted to tell me about her trips that she took to Europe and Disneyland instead.

But I can't do it anymore. You really do ask yourself the question "who are my real friends" often when you are in a time of need. I've come to realize that my husband is my one and only real friend. Not only because he's going through this as well, but because I know I can always lean on him for support, he always listens if you have to talk, he is trustworthy, honest and will never leave my side. I can't say that about anybody else in my life.

Now that's a true friend. I couldn't imagine going through all of this with anyone else and coming out alive.

More Surprising Information

I ordered "all" and I mean all of my hospital records a few weeks ago so I can go armed with information to the lawyer. Only to find out when I got to the hospital that they literally gave me 6 pages...just final report info that's very vague. Needless to say I'm pissed about that, cost $100 and doesn't tell me much more than I already knew, with the exception of a few tidbits which I'm about to outline.

I'm aphauled to read that the OB stated some very incorrect information. She apparently has her own distorted version of what happened that day. She stated that she counselled me on the complications of surgery, and she stated something about examining me before offering the vacuum, which is ridiculous, never happened. She also omitted the part about how when she realized the vacuum wasn't working, she pushed my baby back up the canal. I remember that vividly because a) she was stating that she was pushing him back up and b) I was shocked that doctors did that...it was something I never knew was performed and it felt quite strange to have baby going back up in the opposite direction.

1 week after the c-section, I got a fever and headed back to the hospital. She examined me, did internals, externals, blood work, urine etc. She concluded that I had a urinary tract infection and sent me on my way after 3 days of grueling fevers in the hospital. I see in her report that I actually had a uterine infection. At the time I was there she told me I had a UTI. This makes me so angry that she didn't relay this information to me because my family doctor, and my fertility specialist, first thing they asked is if I had a uterine infection because that might explain why I'm having such issues getting pregnant.

So needless to say I am slightly on the pissed side. When will the surprises end I wonder? I can't wait until our appointment with our lawyer in August, however I'm scared to hear what I already know. It's our word against hers. My word, as a drugged up labouring patient, against a doctor who has done this probably a thousand times before.

I'm going to need all the strength that I can to fight this. I won't let her get away with this, and seeing her lying on the reports just puts more fire under my ass to keep going 100% until she gets what she deserves.

Swiss Cheese Effect

I get so angry when people tell me..."oh everything happens for a reason" in response to our son's death.

Though I don't believe in that, I think we find reasons from these losses. For example a reason to be stronger, a reason to reach out to others, a reason to appreciate what we do still have left.

I was initially supposed to be with a different OB but I did not like her, I was not comfortable with her and I always felt thrown out and like I wasn't worth anything, after my visits. I don't know how to explain it. So I quickly was put on the midwife waiting list. She accepted me at 36 weeks and I was ecstatic. But something inside of me just thought "this is a turning point". Something told me this is where things will go wrong. Not with the midwives but somewhere else. Up until that point I didn't feel it so strongly but I did feel something all throughout my pregnancy. I knew we were never to bring home our baby. But I didn't want to accept those weird feelings and I pushed them aside and attributed them to being "first time mom" nerves.

Well changing to midwives meant changing to a different hospital. The chain of events lead from there, that I couldn't push baby out, and the on-call OB just happened to be "her". Had it been the other OB, I have a strong feeling that things would have panned out much differently. So there's my Swiss Cheese Effect. We learned this in SMS 101 in College. There is not one reason for an event. It is a chain reaction that leads up to the accident/event.

I feel like I was, or rather my choices were, the beginning chain link in a reactionary sequence that lead to this terrible demise. How do I go on normally when I know in my mind, had I stayed with the initial OB we probably would have our lively little 9 month old son here with us now? This is something I've been trying to cope with, and something that will take me years to accept and come to terms with, if ever.

I don't believe everything happened for a reason. If it did, then we along with our son and our families are being punished for something we do not deserve. In my circumstance there was a chain of events. But again, no reason for it...just the wrong place at the wrong time from my wrong choices.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

Yesterday we had our first appointment at Rouge Valley Fertility Clinic. I was a bit hesitant from the reviews I read about them not being empathetic, but have so far found the opposite. I think it's hard for them to be empathetic to every patient that walks through those doors and it certainly doesn't help if you are hormonally charged.

We had blood work done, I had an u/s, and tomorrow I am scheduled for an Endometrial Sample. I was supposed to start my antibiotics this morning for the test tomorrow. But I thought, hmm I've been having some major cramps, I don't have my usual acne pre-period break out which I should by now. So let me double check...so this morning I took a FRER test.

Honestly I saw a line. A million things went through my mind. "ok don't get your hopes up"...."oh I wonder if it will be a boy or a girl"..."I wonder if I can cancel my testing for tomorrow"..."no this can't be a positive". I have never gotten an evaporation line with them before so I thought let me phone the fertility clinic and cancel my appointment so we don't risk having a miscarriage. At the same time I didn't get my hopes up because the line didn't have colour to it. Lo and behold, the clinic calls me back 3 hours later...the reason for the delay? She said she wanted to run my blood work from the previous day to see if I was pregnant. I said "well??? what's the result?" She said "oh yeah it was 0 -- see you tomorrow for the test"...oh.....thanks....well on to the invasive tests and another cycle failed under our belts.

We Can All Dream

If you asked me 5 years ago (when I was 24) about kids, I'd say "pffft...not for me thanks". Even though deep down my biological clock has been ticking since I hit my 20's, I just never saw myself as a mom. I didn't have the best mom growing up, and I wasn't so confident that I would be one as well. I didn't know how to be. We weren't shown much love growing up and now as adults while she could probably make up for lost time, my mother still doesn't bother.

But somewhere along pregnancy I realized, you know what; I WILL be a good mom. I'll show my son what a normal, loving family is supposed to feel like. Finally I will have my family, where every child matters equally, mommy will take care of boo-boos and daddy will always have time and all will feel love even in the worst of times. If we are ever put down or deflated by the outside world, we could always come home to the love and warmth of our family.

Well we can all dream can't we?

Hopefully my dream comes true soon enough.

Let the Truth be Told!!!

Yesterday we learned that our nightmares were in fact the reality. We saw the specialist at Mt. Sinai who gave us all the hope in the world but also, drained us of our hope we had of this ending here.

This is a new chapter for us now.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:30am only to be ushered in within a few minutes. My heart was palpitating the whole time. I guess I was scared to hear what I already suspected of the autopsy results. Dr. K walked in after reviewing our results and sat down on his chair, he let out a deep breath as if he was just in disbelief. The first words out of his mouth were “I don’t agree with the autopsy results”. I immediately agreed with him like a lost puppy looking for guidance all these months. FINALLY! Someone who agrees with us! Someone who understands that this is not right!! I felt so much relief at that point I thought I had sharted myself.

He proceeded to tell us that the vacuum was not what killed our son as we had anticipated. Say what?? I thought you agreed with the fact that the results were not right! The autopsy results state that the cause of death is “undetermined” but there are red flags everywhere in the report….brain hemorrhage…skull fracture…acute bleeding…any fool off the street can tell you that the baby didn’t die from an undetermined reason. He went on to explain how it was actually the cesarean that killed him. Or the improper procedures during the cesarean that is. He told us that we had received sub standard care during my delivery. He showed us how the skull fractures were placed just so that it was actually the Ob’s fingers that caused them…my baby died at the hands of an OB. Not from being sick, not from lack of air, not from being stuck…all the things I had probably been able to accept knowing they were not in our hands, they were unavoidable almost natural complications from childbirth. But no, from the hands of another human being and a medical professional at that.

I am still in disbelief. My air has been taken from my lungs. I’m not sure what words to speak next. He waited for our response in silence. Then he went on to tell us what our next step should be. “I have no doubt that if you pursue this with legal action that you will be compensated, it won’t bring back your son but you are entitled to compensation for the loss of your son which shouldn’t have happened”. He also proceeded to tell us that we have to report everything to the CPSO, which we fully intend to. We are also appealing the final cause of death on the autopsy results.

As for compensation, we don’t care…let the lawyer have it all. But it’s a matter of justice and a matter of saying “HA you can’t get away with this and you won’t!!”. I feel like if we sit back and just report her to the CPSO then she’ll get a slap on the wrist and go on with her life. Why should she be entitled to a normal life and not us? Why should she be able to sleep comfortably every night? Why is she entitled to have kids that were brought into this world healthy and not us?

The pain of losing a child is indescribable. Unless you have been through it (which I hope nobody has to) you can’t imagine. Life will never be normal, as much as we laugh on the outside and act normal, he is in our thoughts all the time and there is rarely a moment where I am not reminded of him and the terrible way everything played out resulting in our loss. I can’t imagine how he must have felt, how scared our little man was in the middle of all this hustle and bustle of birth, being “fished” out of my womb by a set of uncaring, rough, murderous hands. I am angry to say the least…anger is not strong enough of a word for this.

I hope I find peace and acceptance in my days to come. Life has many more years to it left and we have a lot of love to give still. When we first lost him, I used to sit in the empty nursery with him in my arms asking him why he left us…just why. Now I see it wasn’t like we thought, he didn't leave us, he didn't want to leave us, he didn't have to leave us. I hope our little one is safe wherever he is now, knowing that Mommy and Daddy know the truth now and he can rest in peace knowing that we will take care of him even though he is not with us anymore.

Fertility Clinic Booked

I can't believe this is happening. Throughout the last 7 months I have thought long and hard about this day and if it ever comes down to it. It first started to hit me around month 4.

It took us only 1 month to conceive the first time. So we jokingly talked about "when should we conceive again" as if we had a choice with what month we wanted to try. Nevermind that, 7 long cycles later of living your life in 2 week increments, and still no pregnancy. I guess I shouldn't complain since it takes years for some people. But I knew we had a problem from month #1. I knew deep down it would all come down to this in the end. I guess Caesareans do have a long lasting impact.

But it's all happening so fast, I was getting impatient with our family doctor's office not making the appointment soon enough. They did today and turns out our FS appointment is next week. I'm just finding it really hard to accept I guess. I never in my wildest dreams thought that we would lose a baby and then have trouble conceiving...icing on the cake.

I am so very happy that things are moving finally but I am also in a state of shock at the moment. I am holding out that while we do our 1st month monitoring etc, that fate will be on our side for once and let us conceive on our own.