I look at Anna every day and she is just so innocent and so youthful and so full of life. I always wonder what she will be like when she grows up. Will she be happy, will she be kind and courteous? Will she do what she loves and have many children and most importantly never have to suffer or be in pain? Will she inherit my bad habits, or the bad genes I may have or will she inherit most of the good ones?
Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. I couldn't sleep so I went through some boxes (we're still unpacking) and found some of my childhood photo albums. I just couldn't believe now that Anna's older, how much my baby pictures resemble her. I was youthful and innocent at one point in life too and when I realized that I just lost it. At what point was I broken, at what point was I let down so much that life became "hard". I see the pictures with my mother holding me, embracing me, but the love was all a charade. Why would she leave us with her male family members for entire summers, full well knowing what they had done to her when she was a child, only to have done the same to her children. What kind of a mother would do that? I kept asking myself why she would do even half the things she did to us as children and I just couldn't find any answers so it hurt even more.
I guess I have some residual issues here clearly. I just couldn't stop myself thinking about it, and my entire childhood flashed before my eyes. I am seriously debating therapy on this one, not to forgive her but maybe to understand some of my questions and to start trying to let go so I can be a better Mommy to Anna.
I think I am pretty good but it's easy at this point, babies just need love and care. I know I'm in bad shape though because I'm always asking A if he thinks she loves me or likes me. If he thinks I'm a good mother? I just wonder how I will be later on, now that I realize what an important role a mother plays in shaping how a young child will live the rest of its life. I want to be supportive, loving, caring, always there for her and never ever let her down. I also want to raise her the right way with the right values even though I might not have the same values (hypocrite much??). Yes we all want our kids not to inherit negative things from us. But even if she does, mostly I just want her to be happy and know that her Mommy will always be there for her and that she will never feel like I didn't try for her.
M.
