We all go through tough times in our lives, why is it that I'm finding it so hard to cope this time around? I feel so powerless as a person, as a mother.
As if our son's death wasn't hurtful enough, it wasn't enough to push me over just completely but it sure was enough to stop me dead in my tracks. My life has been in a holding pattern since, waiting for these unrelenting autopsy results. Now that they are finally here, I feel like my son has died all over again.
My first thought in the morning is of his pain that he had to endure in the last few minutes of his life, my last thought before bedtime is that he is dead. My motherly instict told me something was wrong, but I didn't listen. Instead I chose to trust our medical team and have them lead our baby into this world as they have hundreds before him.
Now we are left in a horrible predicament. How do you just let this "be" if it was a mistake on their part. Or how do you fight? I know I am not the type who can just let things go...but I also know that I am nobody compared to our grand medical society and their wonderful malpractice lawyers.
Some of us will grow up and life live perfectly. Maybe a broken bone or a bruised ego here or there. The rest of us will face incessant challenges that will test our strength and love for each other and make us question our society and beliefs as a whole.
I don't believe in God, but I do believe we can make our own choices in order to make our lives easier or harder. We choose to see life and ourselves as optimistic or pessimistic. I'd like to think I'm a pessimist on my best days. But I certainly did not choose this path for myself, son or family no matter how much negativity I surround myself with on a daily basis.
Nothing will ever bring him back.....nothing. I think that's the hardest thing I've had to accept in all of life.
