That's a tough question. Through this whole ordeal I've realized that strangers that I've never met, from internet forums have been there for me more than any of my what I thought "friends" from real life have been. In the last 8 months I haven't had anyone email or call to say "hey how are you guys holding up"..."hey have you gotten the results of the autopsy yet"..If I had a friend whose perfectly healthy baby died (even before I knew what it felt like), I would be on the phone every few weeks checking in at least, to see if they found out what's happened or to see how they are coping...at least!
It's a hard decision, but I've finally decided to cut one of my so called friends loose. One I have known for 18 years. It's not something I decided over night, it's been a 2 year long decision. But her lack of interest in what she called her "nephew" while I was pregnant, is just the last straw for me in this battle to get her to see her insensitivity. She never has asked once in the last 8 months how we are coping, never offered to be there for me, never asked if there were any new developments.
I called her today to let her know everything that's been happening...her response "oh shitty buzz man".. -- shitty buzz??? I tell you my son died at the hands of a doctor and all you have to say is "shitty buzz man???". I almost threw up. Maybe I'm overly sensitive...I didn't let on that it hurt me. Not that she'd see it even if I held up a huge billboard sign in front of her face. But I bet you if she lost her child then the whole world would have to stop turning until it was resolved. She would be on the phone with me every day seeking advice, looking for comfort, and I would provide it.
In regards to the recent fertility issues I've been having. Her response -- "well I wouldn't worry about it, you can always adopt". Well that was it for me. How can you say that to someone who's just lost a child so recently and now is having trouble getting pregnant? What goes, or rather doesn't go through her head?
She's always been insensitive to others and she's always been so important and nobody else's issues matter. She was distant on the phone because she wanted to tell me about her trips that she took to Europe and Disneyland instead.
But I can't do it anymore. You really do ask yourself the question "who are my real friends" often when you are in a time of need. I've come to realize that my husband is my one and only real friend. Not only because he's going through this as well, but because I know I can always lean on him for support, he always listens if you have to talk, he is trustworthy, honest and will never leave my side. I can't say that about anybody else in my life.
Now that's a true friend. I couldn't imagine going through all of this with anyone else and coming out alive.
I think you are one hundred percent right. Friends are those that are always there for you to support and comfort when it is needed and even when it is not.
ReplyDeleteI always hated the line "you can always adopt" (mind you my 3 siblings are all adopted and I would love to adopt one day) but that line used in this context seems to just be a way out of showing support. Just the easy solution that undermines the maternal need we have.
As hard as your decision must have been, you need supporting and caring people in your life. Everyone does. You don't need anymore stress in your life. You don't deserve it.
It made me teary to read about your real best friend, your husband. I am so happy that you have such a great support system through him.
You're right, there's nothing wrong with adoption at all. But sometimes it seems like people have used that comment towards me because it's the easy thing to say to someone who is having trouble...
ReplyDeleteI think I'll keep my reproductive troubles to myself and my blog in the near future :)
I'm sorry your friends haven't been there for you like you needed them to be. I've found most people don't know what to say, so they say nothing, which leaves us feeling alone. And of course, some people say ridiculous things. Good for you for cutting a friend loose who is toxic in your life... I'm sure it wasn't easy. You'd had such a rough journey and your strength is amazing!
ReplyDeleteI applaud you willingness to let go. I too have friends like that who are all about themselves and have never had the courage to let go because we've known each other since grade school. They are those people who listen to you talk only so that when you finish it is their turn to talk about them or worse, don't let you finish at all.
ReplyDeleteI hope that by putting distance between what seems to be one more bit of heartache, you can heal once more. You are stronger than you probably know and a real example.
Side note: "Shitty buzz man" should only apply if you are 17 or a total hippy! SO Inapporpriate!
Good for you. Cut her loose. For sure. I bet you would have ended up doing the same thing even if Liam were still here. Eventually bad friends like that cause you to reach a breaking point. The longer the friendship the harder it is, but you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good, ESPECIALLY in this time. If that's people online and your hubby...hey, it could be worse ;)!
ReplyDeleteHopefully, though, the friends you DO want to keep who haven't been coming through for you as much as you deserve will start being there more in teh future (maybe if you let them know how you're feeling?? Not that you should have to, they SHOULD just know...but it could be worth it to speak up and ask for what you need...)
I'm rooting for you, here and on the forums.