Blues

Things are great, things are perfect, life is good. So why the blues? Could it be the sudden onset of winter, could it be that I'm stuck in the house most days 24/7, could it be that we are in the middle of a move and the house is in array?

I keep having nightmares about my mother too. I'm not sure how to let it go. I never had doubts that I would be a good mother, but now that I'm a practicing mother I just keep doubting everything I'm doing. I want to make sure that I never have my daughter feel the way I felt as a child. From abandonment, to drug abuse, to abuse in every form towards us, and now to just plain cold behaviour towards us. Some people I guess are just never meant to be mothers yet they keep popping kids out like its' going out of style. That person is my mother. Anyways she pops in and out of my life here and there to see her granddaughter and my youngest sister stays in touch with her constantly so it's hard not to see her or think about her. I'm cold towards her but not cold enough to cut her off from seeing her grand daughter. Especially after what's happened with her first born grand son.

Anyways so yes, lots of issues. I just hope I can do my best for my little girl. I see so much of my mother in me and it drives me nuts. Just little things that remind me that her DNA is a part of me and it makes me sick.

On the plus side we are moving. Not far, the same subdivision but a bigger house. I'm scared and excited. I guess you're always wondering if you're making the right decision, especially now that we have the little Monkey.

She is growing quite big now, able to smile and coo and she passed both of her hearing tests and her vision tests! She is over 12lbs now and about 8 weeks corrected and 5 months actual age so she is doing wonderfully. We have a developmental nurse coming out to check on her and it looks like she is right on track for an 8 week old so that's wonderful news. We are so in love with her and she just makes our lives so happy. No matter how down you're feeling you just have to look in her eyes for that smile and your heart just melts.

I am so glad things turned out well with her!! As for me, I'm a work in progress, so I'll just try to do my best for that little ray of Sunshine! :)

Memories

Anna is turning 5 months old and it is so difficult not to reminisce about our journey from her birth until now...she is such a little fighter. I have such a hard time looking at pictures of her when she was tiny and frail, I can't believe we got through this as well. This is the second hardest thing we've had to face and we are truly so lucky to have her here with us. Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for our little girl and her continued strength.

So here's a quick look into our journey with her; 66 days in the NICU. Please press play for both :)

You are my sunshine - Elizabeth Mitchell

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Liam

We will never forget you. Thank you for looking after your little sister and sending the three of us strength.

You would be 2 years old ...

Mommy

Thinking...

I haven't posted much again, being so busy with Anna. I can't even describe how 'whole' I feel, how complete it feels to be a mother. The fact that this little being relies on me every second of the day is truly amazing. I thought it would be so hard, but somehow it just comes so naturally. She's my little girl and she gives me so much strength.

Her due date was October 15th..she was 7lbs and 11 ounces on that day! Amazing. We now refer to Anna's age as "corrected" so she is 15 weeks true age but her corrected age is 5 days old.

I think a lot about Liam as well. After all, she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. His birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm not sure how I'll react. It might be harder with having Anna here, or it might soften the blow a little bit, who's to say.

All I know is that I hate this time of the year. All I think about is the horrible pain we all went through and how long it took to start healing. I also think about how traumatic Anna's birth was. Yesterday my sister let me listen to the message my dad left on her phone, literally 5 minutes before Anna was born. I just remember being so scared to lose her too.

No matter how much I look at her and realize that she's healthy and she's here with us, I am still traumatized by that day. I guess twice bitten is pretty much all I can take. Someone recently asked me if I'll have more children...well I'm not sure. I would love to and deep down I am already ready to keep expanding our family. But the fear inside of me stops me dead in my tracks. Yes, it was coincidental that Liam died and Anna came early. The two events were not connected in any way. But with both I had placenta previa, and now with having a "T" cut c-section, there's even a higher chance of the placenta attaching to scar tissue and possibly having another hemorrhage that can't be stopped. How can I deal with it if I take another baby's life because I choose to gamble to expand our family.

So it's definitely a scary decision. In the meantime, I will continue to grieve our little boy and continue to appreciate every second of our little girl. We have been waiting a long time for this, and we don't take a single day for granted.

M.

Anna's Ex-Birthdate

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I run another blog only for Anna so that our families around the world can read about her. So as of last week or so I was pretty much doing it every day. Every day while she was in the NICU at least. So although I have a million things running through my head that I have to vent about, I've sort of let them all just pile up because I was busy with her and her blog and now it's a lost cause.

I still can't believe that she's home and that she's with us. I know a lot of people will hate me for saying this but she is such a good baby. I had so many people tell me about the horrible things that come with motherhood that I was truly scared and at one point wondering if I'll even enjoy having a newborn at home. I was so angry every time someone would say "enjoy your sleep now because..." -- who cares, I love getting up with her!!! I am sleep deprived yes, but it's nothing compared to the joy of seeing her little face!! Well I think even if she was screaming her lungs out I would still enjoy her as much as I do now. Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for what we have and what she's taught us.

I also think a lot about Liam lately. She resembles him a lot, but she is also different in so many ways. She turned 38 weeks and 3 days yesterday. The day she was supposed to be born via scheduled c-section. Liam was born at 38 weeks and 3 days and he was 7lbs 5oz. She is just a mere 6 lbs 10 ounces but I'm sure she would have been bigger had she experienced the entire third trimester with me.

We have cast mouldings of Liam's hands and feet and I took them out the other day and I just can't believe what a big boy he was! At the time I thought he was so tiny, little did I know of what was to come in our future.

Anyways, it's been bitter sweet to say the least. I am so happy to have Anna here with us, but of course the sadness and grief will never go away for my first born.