Things are great, things are perfect, life is good. So why the blues? Could it be the sudden onset of winter, could it be that I'm stuck in the house most days 24/7, could it be that we are in the middle of a move and the house is in array?I keep having nightmares about my mother too. I'm not sure how to let it go. I never had doubts that I would be a good mother, but now that I'm a practicing mother I just keep doubting everything I'm doing. I want to make sure that I never have my daughter feel the way I felt as a child. From abandonment, to drug abuse, to abuse in every form towards us, and now to just plain cold behaviour towards us. Some people I guess are just never meant to be mothers yet they keep popping kids out like its' going out of style. That person is my mother. Anyways she pops in and out of my life here and there to see her granddaughter and my youngest sister stays in touch with her constantly so it's hard not to see her or think about her. I'm cold towards her but not cold enough to cut her off from seeing her grand daughter. Especially after what's happened with her first born grand son.
Anyways so yes, lots of issues. I just hope I can do my best for my little girl. I see so much of my mother in me and it drives me nuts. Just little things that remind me that her DNA is a part of me and it makes me sick.
On the plus side we are moving. Not far, the same subdivision but a bigger house. I'm scared and excited. I guess you're always wondering if you're making the right decision, especially now that we have the little Monkey.
She is growing quite big now, able to smile and coo and she passed both of her hearing tests and her vision tests! She is over 12lbs now and about 8 weeks corrected and 5 months actual age so she is doing wonderfully. We have a developmental nurse coming out to check on her and it looks like she is right on track for an 8 week old so that's wonderful news. We are so in love with her and she just makes our lives so happy. No matter how down you're feeling you just have to look in her eyes for that smile and your heart just melts.
I am so glad things turned out well with her!! As for me, I'm a work in progress, so I'll just try to do my best for that little ray of Sunshine! :)
There are so many things that I've experienced growing up that I would never want my children to experience. Don't ever doubt yourself - you are raising her exactly the way you are, and never worry about how others feel about it. Those things you talked about, those abuses, can be avoided, but it's up to you to make that decision. And so far, you're making the right one!
ReplyDeleteEvery parent raises their children differently - I got a cold look today from someone because Mason hopped off a chair at the mall food court and was going to run but I grabbed him by his hood and he fell down. It saved me from chasing him around, and didn't hurt him, but it bothered some people. I didn't care what they thought either.
As for the blues, maybe look into getting a SAD lamp? Between the early nights, holidays, moving, and a baby, I'm not suprised you're not feeling super happy!! I'd be stressed too! But those lamps make a lot of people feel better, so it might be something to consider!
Anyways, I'm happy she is doing wonderful! Good luck with the move and have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season as a family!!
Anna is so pretty! She's looking like such a big girl now :). Love seeing the photos (and your slideshow was beautiful).
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to seeing our mothers within ourselves. I didn't experience the bad stuff from an abuse perspective, but my mom did make some mistakes that I DESPERATELY do not want to make, and sometimes I catch myself being just like her and I have to get it in check - embrace the positive qualities and remember that I'm NOT destined to repeat her mistakes!!! You're obviously an awesome, loving, amazing mom, so I have no doubt Anna will grow up knowing that!!