As tough as this journey has been, I never thought the stress would be from the staff of a hospital instead of the health of my baby. Over the last few weeks, the strain has been slowly building up, to the point now where I feel nauseous just thinking about going to that "place". I feel so sad to have my baby there now. I know she is in good hands but for some reason they have really been making things so difficult for me since Anna has gotten better now and she only depends on them to feed and change her when we are not there. They tell us we have to advocate for her and to start getting used to being her primary caregivers etc etc. But when I speak up or ask for things to be a certain way so that I can "parent" her, they give me full blown resistance.
I have seen quite a few babies being bottle fed who were about 34-35 weeks along. I have met a few mothers who have been breastfeeding who are anywhere from 31 to 35 weeks along. So why is it today when I expressed that I will be bottle feeding my babe, the lactation consultant turned on me like a witch casting a spell? It feels like she sabotaged my whole experience that I have been waiting for the last 8 weeks and the more I think about it the more I have the piece of mind to tell her what she did to me.
She basically pulled out this giant nipple which barely fit in Anna's mouth and let us have a go for about 3 minutes before she made me feel like a total failure. Anna by the way was very sleepy so she wanted no part of anything. The LC then sort of bullied me into trying the breast. Here's the reason why I let myself get bullied; she told me that they can start breastfeeding now but if we want to bottle feed then that can't be done until 37 weeks. I understand the whole "low flow" and "self expressing flow" of the bottle vs real nipple, but in terms of suck swallow and breathe, the baby either has that reflex or she doesn't. So what difference would it make if she took the milk from the breast or a very slow flow preemie nipple??? She is such a champ at her soother and just LOVES it. I don't know why they made me feel so horrible and basically made me feel like if I bottle feed then that will delay her from coming home.
I heard some great views from women on 2 different forums, one specifically a preemie forum and have decided to stand my ground. She is 34 weeks now and I have no doubts that we can very slowly start to introduce the bottle. By the way she did have a few sucks at the bottle today and didn't desat or choke. She had a few sucks of my nipple too (although there is no milk coming anymore) but in terms of preference, there was no difference since she was almost fully asleep for both. So I don't know why the LC made it look like she 'hated' the bottle because she was sleeping. She kept giving me these looks...those "see I told you sooo....hmmm should have listened to meee"..but then when I put her on the breast, she left me there with her for a full hour, no crazy looks, nothing. Even though the progress and end result was the same. Couple of sucks and she passed out.
I tell you what, I refuse to ever be bullied again like that!
I hate that place right now and I'm sick of most of the nurses and the lactation consultants and shame on them for bullying NICU mothers who are already so stressed out. Shame on them for kicking me while I am down.
On the plus side, Anna is now up to 4lbs and 1oz and will start her transfer process after her eye exam so most likely Thursday. I hope they have a bed for her and have no more set backs because I don't know how much more I can handle of this place.
M.
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