Liam

We will never forget you. Thank you for looking after your little sister and sending the three of us strength.

You would be 2 years old ...

Mommy

Thinking...

I haven't posted much again, being so busy with Anna. I can't even describe how 'whole' I feel, how complete it feels to be a mother. The fact that this little being relies on me every second of the day is truly amazing. I thought it would be so hard, but somehow it just comes so naturally. She's my little girl and she gives me so much strength.

Her due date was October 15th..she was 7lbs and 11 ounces on that day! Amazing. We now refer to Anna's age as "corrected" so she is 15 weeks true age but her corrected age is 5 days old.

I think a lot about Liam as well. After all, she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. His birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm not sure how I'll react. It might be harder with having Anna here, or it might soften the blow a little bit, who's to say.

All I know is that I hate this time of the year. All I think about is the horrible pain we all went through and how long it took to start healing. I also think about how traumatic Anna's birth was. Yesterday my sister let me listen to the message my dad left on her phone, literally 5 minutes before Anna was born. I just remember being so scared to lose her too.

No matter how much I look at her and realize that she's healthy and she's here with us, I am still traumatized by that day. I guess twice bitten is pretty much all I can take. Someone recently asked me if I'll have more children...well I'm not sure. I would love to and deep down I am already ready to keep expanding our family. But the fear inside of me stops me dead in my tracks. Yes, it was coincidental that Liam died and Anna came early. The two events were not connected in any way. But with both I had placenta previa, and now with having a "T" cut c-section, there's even a higher chance of the placenta attaching to scar tissue and possibly having another hemorrhage that can't be stopped. How can I deal with it if I take another baby's life because I choose to gamble to expand our family.

So it's definitely a scary decision. In the meantime, I will continue to grieve our little boy and continue to appreciate every second of our little girl. We have been waiting a long time for this, and we don't take a single day for granted.

M.

Anna's Ex-Birthdate

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I run another blog only for Anna so that our families around the world can read about her. So as of last week or so I was pretty much doing it every day. Every day while she was in the NICU at least. So although I have a million things running through my head that I have to vent about, I've sort of let them all just pile up because I was busy with her and her blog and now it's a lost cause.

I still can't believe that she's home and that she's with us. I know a lot of people will hate me for saying this but she is such a good baby. I had so many people tell me about the horrible things that come with motherhood that I was truly scared and at one point wondering if I'll even enjoy having a newborn at home. I was so angry every time someone would say "enjoy your sleep now because..." -- who cares, I love getting up with her!!! I am sleep deprived yes, but it's nothing compared to the joy of seeing her little face!! Well I think even if she was screaming her lungs out I would still enjoy her as much as I do now. Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for what we have and what she's taught us.

I also think a lot about Liam lately. She resembles him a lot, but she is also different in so many ways. She turned 38 weeks and 3 days yesterday. The day she was supposed to be born via scheduled c-section. Liam was born at 38 weeks and 3 days and he was 7lbs 5oz. She is just a mere 6 lbs 10 ounces but I'm sure she would have been bigger had she experienced the entire third trimester with me.

We have cast mouldings of Liam's hands and feet and I took them out the other day and I just can't believe what a big boy he was! At the time I thought he was so tiny, little did I know of what was to come in our future.

Anyways, it's been bitter sweet to say the least. I am so happy to have Anna here with us, but of course the sadness and grief will never go away for my first born.

She's Finally Home!!

I can't even say how happy we are to finally have our girl home! We have been waiting 2 years for this day, and it's almost surreal. Yes, I spent the first few days crying because the nursery just reminded me so much of her brother and all the things we wanted for him. But eventually I regained control of myself and kept trucking for our little girl.

She is such a content little baby, nothing seems to bother her except being hungry. But I'm told this is just the calm before the storm, for when she turns full term. She is now around 36 weeks gestation and about 10 weeks old.

We did have a huge scare with her the other day. We took her for her routine ROP eye exam that she has received 3 times already in the past. She has never had an issue with it in the past so I'm not sure what went wrong this time. Apparently, the drops they use are vasoconstrictors which means they constrict the blood vessels in the eyes, and sometimes in other parts of the body. Well our little girl stopped breathing sometime about an hour and a half after her drops, she turned blue and had to be resuscitated. I can't even tell you how scary that was. I keep replaying that in my head, I'll never forget that day. She never crashed like that before, not even during her 9 weeks in the NICU. The last time she was bagged was when she was born. I cried like a lunatic. My poor sweet girl...as if she hasn't gone through enough.

But the good news is that by the time we brought her home it was as if nothing happened. She is doing really well. We are just having some issues with her weight gain, she is only taking about 60 mls of formula per feed whereas she was taking 80 at the hospital. We tried so hard to get her up to 60, I think because she switched to the powder stuff when she was released. They sent us home with the powder stuff. She is on Enfacare by Enfamil which you can only order through a pharmacist and it takes a few days to get in.

Anywho, also during her "crash", they realized she has fluid in her lungs. So we were sent home with a prescription to remedy that with a diuretic for 2 weeks. Apparently this is very common in preemies, but I'm still a bit confused as to how come this wasn't noticed on Saturday when she was released, but it was there on Tuesday when she had her spell.

In any case, it's hard to see her on the diuretic, she is peeing and pooing like there's no tomorrow and we have to be very careful that she doesn't dehydrate. So there'll be lots of blood work and appointments for her coming up, including one to check her electrolytes.

Today was our first day, just her and I. We did some tummy time to strengthen her neck and to give her head a bit of a rest. Her Daddy had to go back to work, and of course I have a full blown cold today. I am so scared she will get it because we were told she can't have any meds. Due to her age, if she gets my cold or gets a fever from having the flu, she has to go in to the ER for blood work to rule out any other infections before they can administer any drugs to relieve her. Poor munchkin...I hope she doesn't get my cold.

We also got her the Angelcare monitor and I have to say, it was the best $170 bucks we ever spent!! I'm actually able to sleep when she is sleeping because I hear the "tick...tick...tick" of the Angelcare, telling me that my little girl is safe and sound in her crib.

Our cats and dog have gotten used to her really well...the cats at first were a little freaked out but now they don't care. The dog on the other hand is SO protective of her, its' like he thinks that she is his baby. :) Cute, but we are VERY cautious with the animals being around her and will be until she's a teenager!! lol...you just never know, as much as we love our fur-babies, we can't depend on trusting them.

So that's that...some minor bumps here or there, but for the most part Anna is doing great. I LOVE being her Mommy and sometimes I sit and just wait for her to wake up so I can see her again. :) We are SO in love with her!!!

M.

She's coming home!!!

I can't believe it!! Tomorrow is the BIG day, our baby is finally coming home! She passed her car seat test, and got some orders for feeding (preemie formula and topping her up etc) and she's all ours!!

I am frantically cleaning the house and trying to tie up some loose ends before she comes. I just can't even say how happy I am, words can't describe it. I know it's going to be a tough and stressful journey but it will also be joyous and happy and incredible!

Thanks everyone for your support!
M.