How time flies...

Wow, it's been a while since I posted! I have been such a hermit the last few weeks that I'm surprised that I didn't have more to bitch about in this blog. Things have been up and down, I think the winter blues hit me like a ton of bricks. But on the other hand, my little girl kept me sane. She is just such a good girl, always smiling, always happy. Her development keeps me on my toes, some things she is slow at (she is still very weak with Tummy Time) and some things just blow me away.

Just recently we had to retire her baby tub, and I started giving her baths in the 'big girl' tub. We also retired her old stroller, and she has a new umbrella stroller. She is getting better at trying to sit up on her own but I think we're still a few weeks shy of that happening fully. A family member got me the Baby Bullet so I've slowly been introducing her to home made purees. I can tell already that she will be a picky eater. She just loves her bottle and anything that has a consistency thicker than formula she starts to gag at or make her "yuuuck!" face. :)

Her weight 3 weeks ago was about 17lbs, which is about on par with an 8 month old. You can't even tell that she was a preemie. But I have to remind myself often that her corrected age is only 5 and a half months. When strangers ask me how old she is, I always just blurt out her corrected age, it is so much easier than explaining that she was born 14 weeks early (which usually leads to another array of questions).


We are all settled into our new house...sans a few pieces of furniture of course. Anna has such a nice big room now, I can't wait to fully finish her room this summer, still has to be painted because the builder's white is quite bare but I'm working on it. 

Anyways, I'm loving being a Mummy to her...it's challenging to say the least but very rewarding watching her blossom into a beautiful little girl! I can't wait to see what the next few months have in store for her!

Good Mother

I look at Anna every day and she is just so innocent and so youthful and so full of life. I always wonder what she will be like when she grows up. Will she be happy, will she be kind and courteous? Will she do what she loves and have many children and most importantly never have to suffer or be in pain? Will she inherit my bad habits, or the bad genes I may have or will she inherit most of the good ones?

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. I couldn't sleep so I went through some boxes (we're still unpacking) and found some of my childhood photo albums. I just couldn't believe now that Anna's older, how much my baby pictures resemble her. I was youthful and innocent at one point in life too and when I realized that I just lost it. At what point was I broken, at what point was I let down so much that life became "hard". I see the pictures with my mother holding me, embracing me, but the love was all a charade. Why would she leave us with her male family members for entire summers, full well knowing what they had done to her when she was a child, only to have done the same to her children. What kind of a mother would do that? I kept asking myself why she would do even half the things she did to us as children and I just couldn't find any answers so it hurt even more.

I guess I have some residual issues here clearly. I just couldn't stop myself thinking about it, and my entire childhood flashed before my eyes. I am seriously debating therapy on this one, not to forgive her but maybe to understand some of my questions and to start trying to let go so I can be a better Mommy to Anna.

I think I am pretty good but it's easy at this point, babies just need love and care. I know I'm in bad shape though because I'm always asking A if he thinks she loves me or likes me. If he thinks I'm a good mother? I just wonder how I will be later on, now that I realize what an important role a mother plays in shaping how a young child will live the rest of its life. I want to be supportive, loving, caring, always there for her and never ever let her down. I also want to raise her the right way with the right values even though I might not have the same values (hypocrite much??). Yes we all want our kids not to inherit negative things from us. But even if she does, mostly I just want her to be happy and know that her Mommy will always be there for her and that she will never feel like I didn't try for her. 

M.

Blues

Things are great, things are perfect, life is good. So why the blues? Could it be the sudden onset of winter, could it be that I'm stuck in the house most days 24/7, could it be that we are in the middle of a move and the house is in array?

I keep having nightmares about my mother too. I'm not sure how to let it go. I never had doubts that I would be a good mother, but now that I'm a practicing mother I just keep doubting everything I'm doing. I want to make sure that I never have my daughter feel the way I felt as a child. From abandonment, to drug abuse, to abuse in every form towards us, and now to just plain cold behaviour towards us. Some people I guess are just never meant to be mothers yet they keep popping kids out like its' going out of style. That person is my mother. Anyways she pops in and out of my life here and there to see her granddaughter and my youngest sister stays in touch with her constantly so it's hard not to see her or think about her. I'm cold towards her but not cold enough to cut her off from seeing her grand daughter. Especially after what's happened with her first born grand son.

Anyways so yes, lots of issues. I just hope I can do my best for my little girl. I see so much of my mother in me and it drives me nuts. Just little things that remind me that her DNA is a part of me and it makes me sick.

On the plus side we are moving. Not far, the same subdivision but a bigger house. I'm scared and excited. I guess you're always wondering if you're making the right decision, especially now that we have the little Monkey.

She is growing quite big now, able to smile and coo and she passed both of her hearing tests and her vision tests! She is over 12lbs now and about 8 weeks corrected and 5 months actual age so she is doing wonderfully. We have a developmental nurse coming out to check on her and it looks like she is right on track for an 8 week old so that's wonderful news. We are so in love with her and she just makes our lives so happy. No matter how down you're feeling you just have to look in her eyes for that smile and your heart just melts.

I am so glad things turned out well with her!! As for me, I'm a work in progress, so I'll just try to do my best for that little ray of Sunshine! :)

Memories

Anna is turning 5 months old and it is so difficult not to reminisce about our journey from her birth until now...she is such a little fighter. I have such a hard time looking at pictures of her when she was tiny and frail, I can't believe we got through this as well. This is the second hardest thing we've had to face and we are truly so lucky to have her here with us. Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for our little girl and her continued strength.

So here's a quick look into our journey with her; 66 days in the NICU. Please press play for both :)

You are my sunshine - Elizabeth Mitchell

Create a Free Slideshow

Liam

We will never forget you. Thank you for looking after your little sister and sending the three of us strength.

You would be 2 years old ...

Mommy