4th and Last hCG! We are on our way!

Well, I finally had my 4th beta and it came out at a great 8853! Which I think could mean we are well on our way to possibly having this baby. We have our first ultrasound February 23rd so of course I will be thinking about that day and worrying but so far so good. Also my symptoms are starting to increase a bit so I'm really happy about that. Nausea usually hits at night time so that's comforting to me.

Today I've been thinking a lot though. It could be because I'm weaning off my antidepressants but I'm starting to think about death a lot and having a lot of anxiety about that. I just keep thinking what if; what if this baby doesn't make it through birth, what if I don't make it through birth, what if we both don't make it. I just can't help but feel terrible. Like this will never happen for us. I guess things look different in the eyes of someone who has been through nothing but loss relating to pregnancy and babies.

It will take a lot for me to stay strong the next few months. It will take a lot to convince myself that everything will be okay.

In the meantime, I will try to enjoy this pregnancy, this is my element..I love being pregnant and making a life. I love it. :)

5 Weeks!!

Okay so I'm 5 weeks today and thrilled, naturally! But I can't help but feel paranoid still. I think I will have this feeling until I'm a) viciously ill or b) see a heartbeat or c) see a heartbeat AND be viciously ill.

I have beta #4 this weekend and I'm so nervous for the numbers. I feel nothing, other than really sore gums and slightly sore nippies. Oh and of course I'm so irritable I'm ready to chop everyone's heads off. But that's progesterone there...

Anywho will update after the 4th beta...I'm sooooooo nervous for it :(

3rd Beta - 17dpo

Thanks ladies for the well wishes! I did receive my beta for today and it's 855 which jumped from 353 two days ago. I'm very happy about that but of course still paranoid. Now I'm like "well why didn't it triple like the last one??" Anyways I have to relax and just keep praying that this works out.

I have another beta next Saturday and then the first ultrasound sometime at the end of February! Amazing! I hope there's a little heartbeat in there, I really do!!

Wish us luck!!

2nd Beta

Okay so as hard as the last two days were, we finally went for the second beta and we're happy to announce that the numbers have more than tripled!!

Beta at 13dpo was 103 and at 15dpo was 353! So that's wonderful. We're going for yet another one on Saturday so I hope the numbers keep rising. Then one final one the week after Saturday.

I have no symptoms right now that I would even attribute to pregnancy. Nothing compared to last time that's for sure. I almost want the nausea to just hit head on so I have my daily confirmation that everything is ok.

I am so happy I can't even describe this feeling!!

Update - Pregnant??

Well our first IUI was a flop. I really felt deflated after I got my period because I had such good odds. Good numbers all around.

Kim, an IUI is an intra uterine insemination. They basically take the sperm and just help it get closer to the eggs with a catheter. I was on injectable meds and produced about 6 eggies with the first IUI.

December we had to take off because the clinic was closed. Then we decided to do IUI#2 with my January cycle. I had really low hopes, I only produced 2 eggies and the numbers weren't good. So shortly after we had the IUI we decided to sign up for IVF orientation. By shortly I mean 15 minutes after the procedure lol. My IVF orientation is booked for February 23rd and we saved a cool $750 towards IVF already in January alone.

On 10 days past ovulation, my hubby and I went to a Leaf's game. I had 2 beers, but with such low hopes for anything working I didn't feel guilty. On 11 days past ovulation I felt horrible horrible period cramps and knew that my period was coming. Hubby and I went out to get some wine and beer and have a movie night. But on our way home I thought, lets get some pregnancy tests just to make sure ... you know "juuuust in caaase". Well I peed on the test and immediately a huuuuge BFP came up!! Of course we put it off as HCG from the trigger shot still being in my system. I tested again on 12dpo and it was darker.

I am 13 days past our 2nd IUI and my blood test came back as 103. Which the nurse said was wonderful! So I am officially pregnant!!!

We're going back Thursday of this week to make sure the numbers are doubling and I won't relax until I see that. I have absolutely no symptoms...other than being very irritable. So I'm having a hard time accepting the pregnancy. My last one I was so sick and symptomatic it was insane.

We had a nice cry yesterday...I think the emotions are all over the place. We're happy to finally have made it here after 15 GRUELLING cycles. But we are sad because our son is not with us. I went into his nursery yesterday and there was this black cloud lifted. It did not feel like a room for mourning but instead a room for growth and life. I am sure he will be proud of his little brother or sister and would want nothing less than to have him/her receive all of his treasured things.

We are absolutely over the moon and we just pray that this little bean will stick!!!