Well, I finally had my 4th beta and it came out at a great 8853! Which I think could mean we are well on our way to possibly having this baby. We have our first ultrasound February 23rd so of course I will be thinking about that day and worrying but so far so good. Also my symptoms are starting to increase a bit so I'm really happy about that. Nausea usually hits at night time so that's comforting to me.
Today I've been thinking a lot though. It could be because I'm weaning off my antidepressants but I'm starting to think about death a lot and having a lot of anxiety about that. I just keep thinking what if; what if this baby doesn't make it through birth, what if I don't make it through birth, what if we both don't make it. I just can't help but feel terrible. Like this will never happen for us. I guess things look different in the eyes of someone who has been through nothing but loss relating to pregnancy and babies.
It will take a lot for me to stay strong the next few months. It will take a lot to convince myself that everything will be okay.
In the meantime, I will try to enjoy this pregnancy, this is my element..I love being pregnant and making a life. I love it. :)
I hope you had a wonderful ultra sound.
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