I finally sat down today and wrote the complaint report regarding the events of how Liams' death transpired to the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario. Yes...fricken almost 2 years later. What possessed me to wait this long? Well I didn't want to relive the day. Honestly, ignorance is bliss for me...if I'm hurt I like to ignore it. The more I think about something the more it hurts.
Today was like picking at an old scab and re-opening the wound. Now the blood is gushing and gushing and is having a hard time healing again. Gross metaphor but it describes how I feel at the moment.
We just couldn't keep ignoring the report, the CPSO is right next to the Women's College where Anna currently resides. How can we pay so much attention to our new little girl and just not feel like we're sweeping our boy under the rug? I am so ashamed that it took me a year and nine months to start this damn thing. I hope he is not looking down at me in disappointment the way I am looking at myself.
So now I'm a bit numb...from shame, from guilt, from opened anger, from reliving the day. But there is also a sense of relief that it's done and now the College can do their investigation. I know they will contact the doctor within 14 days of receiving the report and I plan to send it out first thing Monday.
I just feel like there's a clock ticking..like there's a bomb that's going to go off. The more Anna grows and thrives, the more I am reminded of our little boy. Of what we lost in his passing. Of what we will never have back again. Yes it's tough on a 'good' day...I guess the best thing we can do is keep his memory alive and make sure his little sister always knows that she has a big brother in heaven watching over her.
Tough day...
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