We had our follow up appointment with the fertility specialist on Monday. You know, I wasn't really nervous but when we sat down the first words out of her mouth were "we have some things to cover" and I saw a sheet in front of me that was highlighted. Good news is that my plumbing seems to all be in working order which is a relief because I know that pregnancy or c-section or endometritis hasn't affected anything for the long term.
On the down side she did say we both have mycoplasmic infection...I guess it's some sort of bacterial infection. I was shocked thinking we have STD's lol...I kept asking how can one get this and she just kept saying "it comes from your gut". What causes it - it comes from your gut, will it come back - it comes from your gut. Um ok.....I think she just blabs whatever when she doesn't know the answer. I'd rather have an answer like "well our medical advances are not quite sophisticated enough to predict where these bacteria originate from". That's an honest answer.
Then she started talking about IUI and or IVF with ICSI. Ugh...I am hoping that clearing up this infection might be the key to unlocking our issues. I've been reading a lot about it thanks to a great lady from BBC. There are quite a few studies out there that show that infertility is linked to bacterial infections. We go back to get retested in 2 weeks. The bad news on top of this is that we have to stop TTC until it's all cleared up. So no touchie...and if in 2 weeks it's not cleared up then we have to do another round of antibiotics for 28 days!! Oh gawd I hope it doesn't come to that...it's so hard feeling my body gearing up for ovulation and not being able to do anything about it.
So fingers crossed...on the plus side I went in and finally got some anti-anxiety pills. I was really reluctant to, because that would be admitting that I needed help and that I can't cope by myself and sort of admitting defeat. Honestly...3 days after starting them I felt 80% better. Now a week later I feel 90% better. Like I can cope with whatever life throws at me. I'm not one for these drugs because a) they never worked in the past and b) I'm TTC...but she assured me that we'd wean me off as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. So that's a relief...I am just SO glad I feel better. It's amazing what this little pill can do. Right now I would be in such a depressed mode with all this bad news thrown at us lately but instead I feel like I can handle it, I feel hopeful still.
That's exactly what I needed...hope.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Our 1st Meeting With the Lawyer
I'm not sure where to start. Our lawyer has 30 years experience in malpractice suits. He has a firm downtown Toronto and seems very reasonable realistic and to the point. Which I like. He is older and somehow that makes me feel more comfortable.
When we first got in there he reviewed all the info we brought him, records, the autopsy report. He took 30 mins to go through it in silence. Then he sat back in his chair, took his glasses off and told us word for word what we were told by the specialist at Mt. Sinai. That our baby had died at the hands of the OB during the c-section. That she should have never even attempted a vacuum extraction with the baby at +1 station. That the autopsy report is wrong, that this type of hemorrhage is incredibly severe and is clearly from injury. That the OB should have used forceps and shouldn't have even come to the point of c-section. Most importantly, that I was left in 2nd stage labour for too long. I dilated at around 11:30pm to 10cms. I wasn't told to start pushing by the midwives until 3am. At 4:30am the OB was called in. At 5:47 our son was born. I was shocked because I didn't think the midwives did anything wrong. But I guess they will have to explain as well why I was left to labour at 10cms for so long. Anyways in the end it's the OB that caused his demise.
"Great!" I thought..."now lets sue her pants off so she is as scarred as we are!"...oh but no it's not that easy. He said due to Canadian law, basically our baby is not important, not human. Had he been born and ended up mentally handicapped or physically challenged then we would have a very open and shut case. Because he died, we will pretty much get enough to cover the court costs. Ok that's fine...but the point is that the lower the amount, the less it affects the insurance company of the hospital, the less it matters to the hospital, the less the doctor gets reprimanded for what she did. Basically we were told that Canadian law is not like the U.S where you have Wrongful Death suits. If we did then we would win our case, she would lose her licence or be suspended, basically we and our deceased son would have rights. But it's not like that...he doesn't have rights...in Canada's eyes, our judiciary system he did not exist.
That stings.
The lawyer said he will take us on. He works on contingency so he wouldn't take us on if he didn't believe we would win. But he said not to expect too much because it doesn't matter since he's deceased. He did say one important thing though. The more cases like these appear, the more medical practices will be changed. Maybe one day Canada will recognize these like the United States. He said "that OB will be a better doctor because of this"...great...she shouldn't be a doctor at all.
WE LOST OUR SON BECAUSE OF HER NEGLIGENCE!!! And can you believe it means nothing in Canada's judiciary system?? I don't know what to do about this...but I have a feeling that I won't rest until the law is changed. I think it might take until I'm 40 maybe 50 years old...but my son's voice has to be heard.
She killed our son...not on purpose but by merely being careless. Why is this okay? I just don't understand...I don't even know where to start. I keep replaying the video in my head. It makes so much sense. His heart was beating loud and clear 5 mins before she cut me open. The she killed him and silently sewed me up. Why didn't the nurses speak up? Would they know?
All I know is that once that hospital is handed their papers, everyone is going to be scrutinized. From our midwives to the nurses to the OB, the anesthesiologist, to the person who cleans the OR floor. Everyone. I don't mean harm...but I hope they are ready.
When we first got in there he reviewed all the info we brought him, records, the autopsy report. He took 30 mins to go through it in silence. Then he sat back in his chair, took his glasses off and told us word for word what we were told by the specialist at Mt. Sinai. That our baby had died at the hands of the OB during the c-section. That she should have never even attempted a vacuum extraction with the baby at +1 station. That the autopsy report is wrong, that this type of hemorrhage is incredibly severe and is clearly from injury. That the OB should have used forceps and shouldn't have even come to the point of c-section. Most importantly, that I was left in 2nd stage labour for too long. I dilated at around 11:30pm to 10cms. I wasn't told to start pushing by the midwives until 3am. At 4:30am the OB was called in. At 5:47 our son was born. I was shocked because I didn't think the midwives did anything wrong. But I guess they will have to explain as well why I was left to labour at 10cms for so long. Anyways in the end it's the OB that caused his demise.
"Great!" I thought..."now lets sue her pants off so she is as scarred as we are!"...oh but no it's not that easy. He said due to Canadian law, basically our baby is not important, not human. Had he been born and ended up mentally handicapped or physically challenged then we would have a very open and shut case. Because he died, we will pretty much get enough to cover the court costs. Ok that's fine...but the point is that the lower the amount, the less it affects the insurance company of the hospital, the less it matters to the hospital, the less the doctor gets reprimanded for what she did. Basically we were told that Canadian law is not like the U.S where you have Wrongful Death suits. If we did then we would win our case, she would lose her licence or be suspended, basically we and our deceased son would have rights. But it's not like that...he doesn't have rights...in Canada's eyes, our judiciary system he did not exist.
That stings.
The lawyer said he will take us on. He works on contingency so he wouldn't take us on if he didn't believe we would win. But he said not to expect too much because it doesn't matter since he's deceased. He did say one important thing though. The more cases like these appear, the more medical practices will be changed. Maybe one day Canada will recognize these like the United States. He said "that OB will be a better doctor because of this"...great...she shouldn't be a doctor at all.
WE LOST OUR SON BECAUSE OF HER NEGLIGENCE!!! And can you believe it means nothing in Canada's judiciary system?? I don't know what to do about this...but I have a feeling that I won't rest until the law is changed. I think it might take until I'm 40 maybe 50 years old...but my son's voice has to be heard.
She killed our son...not on purpose but by merely being careless. Why is this okay? I just don't understand...I don't even know where to start. I keep replaying the video in my head. It makes so much sense. His heart was beating loud and clear 5 mins before she cut me open. The she killed him and silently sewed me up. Why didn't the nurses speak up? Would they know?
All I know is that once that hospital is handed their papers, everyone is going to be scrutinized. From our midwives to the nurses to the OB, the anesthesiologist, to the person who cleans the OR floor. Everyone. I don't mean harm...but I hope they are ready.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What a Night...
I received a terrible phone call last night. At first it didn't phase me but later when it all sunk in, I realized the depth and urgency of the situation. My mother was in emergency from an overdose. Why would this not phase me at first? Well because she's been battling with an addiction for many years. She is now with a man for 3 years who didn't know that she had an addiction, or how severe it was. So we all thought he finally figured it out and took her to ER. We thought, he just probably hasn't seen her 'regular' addicted state yet. Of course we didn't realize she was back on drugs and that he didn't know she even has ever done drugs until last night.
When we arrived at the ER we come to find an almost comatose woman...she barely resembled our mother. She lay there with urine soaked sheets, IV, oxygen, heart monitor and was "stable". She was mumbling incoherent sentences and her jaw was locking up sideways and she couldn't open her eyes. Her heart was beating extremely fast and her knuckles were white from clenching her fists. We had never seen her this bad before so she really overdid it this time. Apparently she had been having troubles with her work, she is an RN and I guess that set off her addiction again. She's been battling with depression for years so when things at her work go wrong or she is extremely stressed out, she resorts to drug use. This is why we've never really had a relationship with her. She has always been zombied throughout our childhood and when she was awake to communicate with us she would either yell or beat.
She was released later once she admitted what she had taken (apparently oxytocin and morphine and tylenol 3's) and when she could open her eyes and sit up. I was aphauled that they would release someone who still didn't know night from day but they just wouldn't keep her. She was stabile and wasn't going to crash they said. So off we took her outside and the first thing her lovely pig of a boyfriend does is shove a smoke in her mouth. He finally leaves so we can have a moment to talk with her and asked her if she is ready to quit and she said no...will she quit, she said no..will she think about it, she said no. Mind you her no's were half grunts half smoke half sounding like 'oooh' and she was just crying but with her eyes closed.
Ugh I guess I don't know what else to do or think. It's been many years of this going on now so in my opinion she will never quit and stick with it. She's done so in the past but always jumped back on the wagon if the smallest thing went wrong in her life. Last time she detoxed herself at our family home. I was away at school and so was my big sister. So we didn't hear about this until after the fact. She I guess doesn't realize how dangerous it is to detox yourself. Apparently it was not a pretty picture, there was vomit and urine everywhere and she lost 20lbs in one week. Can I just mention that the only reason she detoxed was because she got let go from her job at the cancer centre. Which meant no more access to medications. She used to take the expired medications, the hydromorphone shots because they wouldn't notice those missing as those were to be discarded eventually.
So we decided the best thing for her is to take Sick leave from work. That way she won't have access to drugs, we can have her properly detoxed and take it from there. Maybe she can find a job elsewhere in a different field. But I mean this is all up to her. She lives an hour away from us and her only person there with her is that idiot of a boyfriend that calls himself a man. He has a leash so tight on her that we haven't spoken to her in nearly ... well 3 months now for me, I called her when I got the autopsy results so she can tell me what all the medical jargon means. But before that I hadn't seen her since November when I was in the hospital. Her boyfriend didn't even call us to tell us she was in the hospital. We found 6 hours later through her daughter online. Disgusting... he kept saying that she's addicted because of all the things in her "past". Meaning my father...my father who loved her like no man has ever loved a woman, my father who hasn't so much as looked at another woman during their 30 years together, my father who still to this day would stop his life to go help her if she needed help, my father who still says that he thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Don't get me wrong he doesn't want her back, but he will always care because of their past. So for this dickhead to say something like that...I just came back to him with "maybe it's something in her present". I didn't want to start a fight there in the ER but I was close to punching his ugly snout in. Then we'd really belong on Jerry Springer...he's pure trash and I don't want to lower myself to his standards.
Last night still seems so surreal. I just have a terrible feeling that come a few months or even a couple of more years at most and we'll be burying our mother. I think we need a miracle at this point for her to quit.
When we arrived at the ER we come to find an almost comatose woman...she barely resembled our mother. She lay there with urine soaked sheets, IV, oxygen, heart monitor and was "stable". She was mumbling incoherent sentences and her jaw was locking up sideways and she couldn't open her eyes. Her heart was beating extremely fast and her knuckles were white from clenching her fists. We had never seen her this bad before so she really overdid it this time. Apparently she had been having troubles with her work, she is an RN and I guess that set off her addiction again. She's been battling with depression for years so when things at her work go wrong or she is extremely stressed out, she resorts to drug use. This is why we've never really had a relationship with her. She has always been zombied throughout our childhood and when she was awake to communicate with us she would either yell or beat.
She was released later once she admitted what she had taken (apparently oxytocin and morphine and tylenol 3's) and when she could open her eyes and sit up. I was aphauled that they would release someone who still didn't know night from day but they just wouldn't keep her. She was stabile and wasn't going to crash they said. So off we took her outside and the first thing her lovely pig of a boyfriend does is shove a smoke in her mouth. He finally leaves so we can have a moment to talk with her and asked her if she is ready to quit and she said no...will she quit, she said no..will she think about it, she said no. Mind you her no's were half grunts half smoke half sounding like 'oooh' and she was just crying but with her eyes closed.
Ugh I guess I don't know what else to do or think. It's been many years of this going on now so in my opinion she will never quit and stick with it. She's done so in the past but always jumped back on the wagon if the smallest thing went wrong in her life. Last time she detoxed herself at our family home. I was away at school and so was my big sister. So we didn't hear about this until after the fact. She I guess doesn't realize how dangerous it is to detox yourself. Apparently it was not a pretty picture, there was vomit and urine everywhere and she lost 20lbs in one week. Can I just mention that the only reason she detoxed was because she got let go from her job at the cancer centre. Which meant no more access to medications. She used to take the expired medications, the hydromorphone shots because they wouldn't notice those missing as those were to be discarded eventually.
So we decided the best thing for her is to take Sick leave from work. That way she won't have access to drugs, we can have her properly detoxed and take it from there. Maybe she can find a job elsewhere in a different field. But I mean this is all up to her. She lives an hour away from us and her only person there with her is that idiot of a boyfriend that calls himself a man. He has a leash so tight on her that we haven't spoken to her in nearly ... well 3 months now for me, I called her when I got the autopsy results so she can tell me what all the medical jargon means. But before that I hadn't seen her since November when I was in the hospital. Her boyfriend didn't even call us to tell us she was in the hospital. We found 6 hours later through her daughter online. Disgusting... he kept saying that she's addicted because of all the things in her "past". Meaning my father...my father who loved her like no man has ever loved a woman, my father who hasn't so much as looked at another woman during their 30 years together, my father who still to this day would stop his life to go help her if she needed help, my father who still says that he thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Don't get me wrong he doesn't want her back, but he will always care because of their past. So for this dickhead to say something like that...I just came back to him with "maybe it's something in her present". I didn't want to start a fight there in the ER but I was close to punching his ugly snout in. Then we'd really belong on Jerry Springer...he's pure trash and I don't want to lower myself to his standards.
Last night still seems so surreal. I just have a terrible feeling that come a few months or even a couple of more years at most and we'll be burying our mother. I think we need a miracle at this point for her to quit.
Monday, August 10, 2009
False Alarm
I feel really stupid...really really stupid..what a great gift foresight would be. Wow...what a rollercoaster the last few days have been. From getting false positives to getting full blown negative tests. Then having what we thought was implantation bleeding. I've never had spotting, never brown, and never on 11dpo. So you can understand our suspicions.
I'm going to sound like a broken record but I REALLY hope we can get the ball rolling with the FS. I'm not sure what she will tell us as I'm young and ovulating and pretty sure all our tests will come back normal. I'm just getting really antsy in my pantsy. We went to see her on cycle 7, we did tests in that cycle, in cycle 8 and we are covering our results in cycle 9. If she suggests treatment, we won't be able to start it until cycle 10. I know we are lucky to have gotten in before the 12 cycle mark to begin with. But I just feel like time is wasting away. You know, when we thought for a few minutes that we were pregnant, the first thing that came to my mind was a sense of calm a sense of one, I don't know how to explain it. Like "ok now I can face anything because I AM PREGNANT!!!".
But I guess we're just not meant to become parents again yet. What can I say, I'm hurt. I guess I am numb. I think this actually would have been easier to deal with not being able to get pregnant had we not already tasted parenthood. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby's face. Now I know what beautiful babies we can make and I want it that much more! We haven't suspected pregnancy this strongly once since starting 8 cycles ago. I took one last test today and it was a BFN. Had some red spotting last night so I guess now it's just a matter of time. I think one lesson I've learned is that next time I won't be so open about this with my husband. Its great to have him there obsessing with me, but why bring him down with me? In the end, two of us got hurt instead of just one. There's no need for that. Next time I won't even let him know I'm testing unless I have a clear dark unmistakable, undeniable, big fat positive.
I'm going to stay off the BBC boards from here on, it's going to be tough because there are so many ladies on there that I'm rooting for right now so if they get their BFP's I won't know. But I guess it's for the best. I think it's getting too hard seeing people having success and us just being sort of 'stuck'. I just don't understand why we're dealt this hand in life. As if our childhoods weren't tough enough on us...now our adulthood as well. We just want so badly to raise children and have our own little family and do things right.
Anyways it's going to be a tough day tomorrow with the lawyer. And to have all this at the back of our minds.
I'm going to sound like a broken record but I REALLY hope we can get the ball rolling with the FS. I'm not sure what she will tell us as I'm young and ovulating and pretty sure all our tests will come back normal. I'm just getting really antsy in my pantsy. We went to see her on cycle 7, we did tests in that cycle, in cycle 8 and we are covering our results in cycle 9. If she suggests treatment, we won't be able to start it until cycle 10. I know we are lucky to have gotten in before the 12 cycle mark to begin with. But I just feel like time is wasting away. You know, when we thought for a few minutes that we were pregnant, the first thing that came to my mind was a sense of calm a sense of one, I don't know how to explain it. Like "ok now I can face anything because I AM PREGNANT!!!".
But I guess we're just not meant to become parents again yet. What can I say, I'm hurt. I guess I am numb. I think this actually would have been easier to deal with not being able to get pregnant had we not already tasted parenthood. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby's face. Now I know what beautiful babies we can make and I want it that much more! We haven't suspected pregnancy this strongly once since starting 8 cycles ago. I took one last test today and it was a BFN. Had some red spotting last night so I guess now it's just a matter of time. I think one lesson I've learned is that next time I won't be so open about this with my husband. Its great to have him there obsessing with me, but why bring him down with me? In the end, two of us got hurt instead of just one. There's no need for that. Next time I won't even let him know I'm testing unless I have a clear dark unmistakable, undeniable, big fat positive.
I'm going to stay off the BBC boards from here on, it's going to be tough because there are so many ladies on there that I'm rooting for right now so if they get their BFP's I won't know. But I guess it's for the best. I think it's getting too hard seeing people having success and us just being sort of 'stuck'. I just don't understand why we're dealt this hand in life. As if our childhoods weren't tough enough on us...now our adulthood as well. We just want so badly to raise children and have our own little family and do things right.
Anyways it's going to be a tough day tomorrow with the lawyer. And to have all this at the back of our minds.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Ugh...
So I tested this morning with a Clear Blue and nothing...not even a faint positive. As negative as can be. :(
I guess it isn't our time yet. I think I'm upset because I really thought this was it, all the signs were pointing to yes. I wish I knew when our time was..I'm getting really deflated by this process and not sure how much longer I can stay somewhat strong for.
Will discuss options at the next appointment with our FS. Not sure if she will let us do IUI so early on but I'd like to try it. If that doesn't work then I think it's time for a break and just accept that pregnancy is not going to happen for us in 2009.
(I am 11 dpo right now and started slightly spotting brown today. Not sure what to think of that, I guess we will see tomorrow when I take my temperature again. Maybe the SHG has messed with my lining and I'm getting my period early). What a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days have been.
I guess it isn't our time yet. I think I'm upset because I really thought this was it, all the signs were pointing to yes. I wish I knew when our time was..I'm getting really deflated by this process and not sure how much longer I can stay somewhat strong for.
Will discuss options at the next appointment with our FS. Not sure if she will let us do IUI so early on but I'd like to try it. If that doesn't work then I think it's time for a break and just accept that pregnancy is not going to happen for us in 2009.
(I am 11 dpo right now and started slightly spotting brown today. Not sure what to think of that, I guess we will see tomorrow when I take my temperature again. Maybe the SHG has messed with my lining and I'm getting my period early). What a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days have been.
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