False Alarm

I feel really stupid...really really stupid..what a great gift foresight would be. Wow...what a rollercoaster the last few days have been. From getting false positives to getting full blown negative tests. Then having what we thought was implantation bleeding. I've never had spotting, never brown, and never on 11dpo. So you can understand our suspicions.

I'm going to sound like a broken record but I REALLY hope we can get the ball rolling with the FS. I'm not sure what she will tell us as I'm young and ovulating and pretty sure all our tests will come back normal. I'm just getting really antsy in my pantsy. We went to see her on cycle 7, we did tests in that cycle, in cycle 8 and we are covering our results in cycle 9. If she suggests treatment, we won't be able to start it until cycle 10. I know we are lucky to have gotten in before the 12 cycle mark to begin with. But I just feel like time is wasting away. You know, when we thought for a few minutes that we were pregnant, the first thing that came to my mind was a sense of calm a sense of one, I don't know how to explain it. Like "ok now I can face anything because I AM PREGNANT!!!".

But I guess we're just not meant to become parents again yet. What can I say, I'm hurt. I guess I am numb. I think this actually would have been easier to deal with not being able to get pregnant had we not already tasted parenthood. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby's face. Now I know what beautiful babies we can make and I want it that much more! We haven't suspected pregnancy this strongly once since starting 8 cycles ago. I took one last test today and it was a BFN. Had some red spotting last night so I guess now it's just a matter of time. I think one lesson I've learned is that next time I won't be so open about this with my husband. Its great to have him there obsessing with me, but why bring him down with me? In the end, two of us got hurt instead of just one. There's no need for that. Next time I won't even let him know I'm testing unless I have a clear dark unmistakable, undeniable, big fat positive.

I'm going to stay off the BBC boards from here on, it's going to be tough because there are so many ladies on there that I'm rooting for right now so if they get their BFP's I won't know. But I guess it's for the best. I think it's getting too hard seeing people having success and us just being sort of 'stuck'. I just don't understand why we're dealt this hand in life. As if our childhoods weren't tough enough on us...now our adulthood as well. We just want so badly to raise children and have our own little family and do things right.

Anyways it's going to be a tough day tomorrow with the lawyer. And to have all this at the back of our minds.

Ugh...

So I tested this morning with a Clear Blue and nothing...not even a faint positive. As negative as can be. :(

I guess it isn't our time yet. I think I'm upset because I really thought this was it, all the signs were pointing to yes. I wish I knew when our time was..I'm getting really deflated by this process and not sure how much longer I can stay somewhat strong for.

Will discuss options at the next appointment with our FS. Not sure if she will let us do IUI so early on but I'd like to try it. If that doesn't work then I think it's time for a break and just accept that pregnancy is not going to happen for us in 2009.

(I am 11 dpo right now and started slightly spotting brown today. Not sure what to think of that, I guess we will see tomorrow when I take my temperature again. Maybe the SHG has messed with my lining and I'm getting my period early). What a rollercoaster of emotions the last few days have been.

Testing, Testing, 1-2--- .... WTF?

I took a test today...well 2 tests. The first one was a Clear Blue..I waited 2 mins like it said before I read the test. I saw like a spec or something there. I went back to it about 10 mins later and there was such a faint line that I thought I was imagining it. You couldn't even see it when you held it up to the light. So I caved from confusion and whipped out the "golden nugget" the First Response, using the same urine from the cup, and lo' and behold...NEGATIVE. Not even a hint of a line. I took it apart, examined the crap out of it, held it up to the light, then put it back together again. WTF...so I go back to look at my Clear Blue (by this time 20 mins had passed) and that super faint line was now just a faint line. Don't have to squint anymore. Huh?

I've always taken Clear Blue in the past and never got a false positive. If a line ever appeared, be it light or dark, it always ended up getting darker. But recently I'm hearing women saying that it's terrible because the dye leaks with the +/- tests. I think had I not known about how highly praised FRER's are, I would believe I'm pregnant right now just from taking CB. I took one a few months ago as well and it didn't even have a hint of a + there, not even hours later once it started to deteriorate. Of course, I wasn't pregnant.

Now I'm even more confused than before. That's what I get for testing at 10dpo. :)

Could it be?

Could pregnancy be around the corner? After the huge post I wrote yesterday too. It's so strange how things can change within a matter of hours. Yesterday I was cleaning the house, I put on a tanktop because I was really warm and thought "hmm my boobs look like an 18 year olds". I didn't think anything of it. Until I manhandled myself late at night. Don't ask :) I usually manhandle myself in the 2 week wait after I make my nightly washroom round before bed to check if I have sore breasts. This time, they felt....different.....stiff.....slightly swollen.....the same way they felt when I was pregnant. I had to do a double man-handle because I couldn't believe it. (I now can't believe I'm writing about my boobs but nevermind that).

So I couldn't sleep the rest of the night, getting out of bed sporratically to feel myself up until 5am when I finally woke up my husband to feel my boobs. Was it the smartest thing to do? No. It's like waking a bear out of hybernation to fornicate and then backing out of it (sorry honey haha). He assured me that I wasn't crazy, my breasts did feel different. Something neither one of us had felt in the last 8 cycles of trying that's for sure.

Today, my temperatures are ridiculously high. Off the charts. I am a ridiculous temperature-taker-aholic. It has never been this high, not even after sweating through a workout. Not even right after a hot shower. I know I know..I'm looking into this a lot...but these two things combined with my recent uncontrollable rage make me wonder.

So I guess now we wait because I'm only 10dpo. I am really really hoping here..I haven't hoped this much in the last 8 cycles yet. So this will be a huge let down if it turns out to be nothing.

Fingers crossed...

Why is it so hard to get pregnant??

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Had I know the journey we had lying in front of us, I don't think we would have chosen to live where we do. We live in a neighbourhood where the houses are no more than 4 years old. What does that mean? That means everyone is in their reproductive age, everyone has popped out at least 1.5 kids already and our streets are littered with toys, children, and strollers.

It's like pouring acid over an open wound. I can't even pull out of my own driveway without waiting for a glowing new mom and her perfect little freshly squeezed newborn to pass by first. I must be crazy but I feel like they all just stick their chins up in the air, look at me all snotty and walk proud like "look at me, I AM fertile, I have a baby and naw naaw naw naaaw naaw you don't!!" I just looked out my back window to try and have some relaxing thoughts and I see a family of 3 running around in the soccer field with daddy and mommy and perfect little Tommy. I can't help but feel resentful and angry and jealous.

What is SO wrong with me that I can't get pregnant? In the past it's taken accidents and 1 month of trying to get pregnant. Why are we on cycle 9 and nothing? I am young, I'm healthier this year than I was before I got pregnant last year or the year before, I am in my childbearing age, I've had a healthy baby, I ovulate like clockwork, all my tests came back normal. My husband is healthy and young and clearly able to make babies as well. So what is going on? I see other people conceiving around us who have struggled with infertility, stress, loss, anger. I am so happy for them but a part of me can't help but feel a little left behind in the dust.

I know to some people 9 cycles of TTC is not a lot. But you have to put in perspective that my husband and I have been waiting to bring home a baby since we found out I was pregnant in March of 2008. I have been stuck in "expecting" mode since March 2008!! I have had enough...I want to expect again and I want to expect to bring home a baby afterwards too. It's my right. Without someone taking that right away from me and my baby. But first........................I have to GET pregnant!!! :(